Dear Friends - herein my humble offering:

The first thought that entered my mind this morning - 

this very first day of a New Year - 

in those first moments - 

the first breath - was, 

"What do I have to offer?"

In other words...

I have this perpetual longing to show my gratitude to my friends and family and students and clients and business associates...

those I refer to as my "circle of light."

This is not an advertisement.

Nor a mass mailing.

Not some "blurb" strategically created in order to get or keep business.

Straight from my heart...

"I. AM. GRATEFUL."

But sometimes, I honestly feel like the little drummer boy...

I don't get holiday cards out in time, or sometimes not at all.

A gazillion "thank you's" are in my heart and mind all the time

that unintentionally slip through the cracks of daily life.

One question remains...

"What do I have to offer as an expression of honor and gratitude to those have supported me in 2010?"

The answer enters my mind promptly

and in a most simplistic form...

"Give of your Self.

your time.

your energy.

your best."

Is it enough?

When I think of all that you so graciously give to me ---

that is what means the most.

your time.

your energy.

your best.

So, that is what I am offering in return.

At 12:00 noon on New Year's Day, I will begin sending out long-distance Reiki healing for those who would like to receive it.

It's what I have to give.

If you are interested, please drop me a quick line @ cammiesmom89@comcast.net.

May you be well.

May you be Divinely guided and protected.

May you be blessed with abundant joy and prosperity.

May you be free.

Namaste,

Tina

Ring Around the Choices...

I occasionally work with kids who have emotional and behavioral disorders, using yoga as a therapeutic vehicle.  They are awesome!  I learn so much from them.  Luvs my kids!  :-)

We play a game - a kind of "vogue" with yoga poses...

In the game, they walk/run/skip/dance around in a circle.  And, when I say "freeze" they are to move into a yoga pose of their choice and hold it for three deep breaths.  Then we begin again.


Cute, fun lil game, eh? - good practice and test of their knowledge of the yoga poses.


I haven't taught them for a while.  Seems none of the parents have the cash, and the insurance companies are buckling down on what they will pay for...


I miss my kids terribly and was thinking about them this morning.  Their faces.  Their little quirkles.  Their personalities.  Their delicious hugs!


I imagine them running around in that circle...and remember their faces in the mirror as they gazed at themselves.


It didn't always go so well - not the fun and games one may imagine...


Oftentimes, it was quite a challenge for them...not the remembering the poses part.  The part about choosing what they wanted to "be" next...a warrior? a tree? a lazy crocodile? a monkey swinging from the trees?  And then, once the choice was made, they had to stay in it and breathe - even if they decided that wasn't the one they really wanted to be, which happened alot.

Almost certainly, there would be a meltdown or tantrum or someone who decided they didn't want to play anymore.  Sometimes they would even lash out at one another in frustration.

My main "job" was to nudge, console, and remind them about the many underlying principles of this little game I had created for them.  But mostly, I encouraged them to help one another through it - to work together as One - and hopefully help to develop their social and communication skills - which is, after all, the goal of therapy in this particular setting.

I remember saying things like:


"There is always another chance -
another choice...
Be still and silent.
Breathe.
Listen to the 'voice' inside your mind...
In just a moment you'll have the opportunity
to make another choice...
In every moment...
there is a chance for change."

Hmmm.

Quite an interesting thought to swirl around in your coffee on a snowy, Sunday morning...

the poetess is silenced.

i awaken 

to the sound 

of pouring rain.

and

somehow it feels 

disrespectful

to make any other sound.

i

quiet my breath

forcing it

to a crawl

and search

for something

in between 

splattered drops 

on a window pane.

b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

searching

searching

searching

the rain slows

my world dims

dampened leaves 

cling to the glass castle

surrounding my soul.

the

sky

is 

weeping.

I speak

to my own ears,

"listen. listen."

I.

am.

only.

a little girl.

You.

are.

strong

and brave.

in the distance

the world

rushes by.

i scream

within the chambers

of the hollowed

cave

that is

my being.

descending acorns

crash

against

a wooden railing

and

crack

open

falling

to the ground.

your perpetual reminder

to 

only me.

years

rush

through me.

and saturate

my soul.

quickly.

forcefully.

a tipped vessel

of

but one

existence.

i hold my face in my hands

tight

and try squeeze 

something

out of 

me.

in the darkness

behind my closed eyes

you

are

an ember.

blown -

 scattering

remnants

in swirling

autumn winds.

i inhale.

they grow.

i exhale.

they radiate.

you. 

are. 

amazing.

grace.

we serve.

we.

we.

yet

i.

am.

blind.

and

can't find

"the tree"

without my light.

Bringin up the rear.....

I walked the labyrinth yesterday with about ten other women.  I had been looking forward to this for such a long time...part of a much-anticipated full day of events for women...

Just as I had imagined ~

I could hear the leaves and acorns crunching beneath our feet.....

I could hear the lovely sounds of chimes echoing in the trees...

I could feel the sun warming my face and breeze blowing through my hair...

I could feel the undeniable synergy that was created by our footsteps on the Earth...


I fondled remarkably smooth acorns and stones in my hands as I kissed Mother Earth with my feet...

EVERYTHING was EXACTLY as I had ANTICIPATED.

How often does that happen?!

That would have been enough for me.  More than enough.  

Isn't life peculiar though?  So many things had NOT gone according to plan when considering the whole day/event.  Yet - we went with the flow - and it turned out even better that way...

But the labyrinth walk ---

Now THAT met every expectation and then some...

I had asked my partner to lead, because I was concerned about "confining" participants with my slow and careful footsteps.  Seems every step I take these days is carefully calculated.  


A disabled woman, older than I, was in front of me.  What a joy she was!  She had really engaged and interacted with the group during her couple of hours there.  I was concerned about her safety in walking the labyrinth.  Concerned that she may tire or trip.  She didn't seem concerned at all.  Isn't that funny?  She wore her coat, and carried her purse, despite my offer to take them for her.  I thought that was so cute.  Reminded me alot of my Nana...

A couple of times I checked in with her - asking if she was ok.  She just kept smiling and walking.  "How are you doing?" I asked.  "I'm doing great!" she says.  




Smiling.
Walking.

Smiling.
Walking.

I kept thinking about how tired she must be.  But, she didn't seem to be thinking about that at all.

Smiling.
Walking.

Smiling.
Walking.


As I looked down at my feet...the grass...the leaves...I kept seeing her feet...her shoes...her cane...passing mine.  At the "turns" she didn't wobble.  Sometimes she paused; but then...she just kept walking.  My feet wobbled more than hers!

That's pretty noteworthy, don't you think?

My. feet. wobbled. more. than. hers.

And, to me, it is quite impressive that she walked that entire labyrinth - a quarter mile in - a quarter mile out.  I wonder how many more miles she has walked on this Earth than I have?

Whew.

My own words from the original Faces of Eve poem instantly come to mind:

"I have so much to learn...
so much to learn...
still - I've come a long, long way...
one day I'll get it...
I'll get it all the way..."

So, I don't really know the "gist" of this post, except just sharing, and thinking that ---

there's much to be said for humbling yourself and playing the role of "caboose." 

So, ummmmm...

It's almost my birthday!  :D

So I decided to do something I've never done before.

I'm gonna try to make one of my own wishes come true!

I've imagined creating a sacred space for women...

A haven of reprieve - comfort - joy...

I've dreamed of women laughing until they cry...

And crying until they laugh...

Aaaahaaa moments...

And feeling better when they leave.

No real schedule...

No pressure or deadlines...

No judgment, criticism, or competition...

Lots of breathing...

Nurturing...

And celebrating this Season of balance and transformation.

 

I've dreamed of sharing my passions...

And hearing about yours...

Basking in sunlight...

Bathing in moonlight...

Invoking some bliss...

And stirring a thing or two...

So, whatdya say?  Wanna help make one girl's birthday wish come true?

You're Invited!!!!!

 

Hit me with your best shot

Does anyone remember the infamous "tree ordeal" here on Quince Court?

These are the trees that were damaged in the absolutely HORRID Winter of 2009/10.  They hung, in a severe state of scoliosis, for some six months.  We finally got them upright and tied up a few months ago.  The "tree guy" said it will take up to a year to know if they are going to survive.  

Hmmm...*biting lip*

I look at these trees every day.  I nurture them with thoughts of loving kindness and encouragement.  I examine their roots and wounds often to see if there's anything I can do for them.  I AM their caretaker, after all.  

In the end - I know it's not up to me - that part about whether they "make it" or not.  But, I'm committed to doing the best I can for them while they are here, even as they struggle with impeded breath and broken limbs.


I've been thinking alot about that this morning.


All of life is uncertainty, isn't it?


Let me say that again.

All of life is uncertainty.

As humans, we get a little rattled by that word.  Well, at least I know I do.  Sometimes I wish it could just magically disappear from the dictionary. *POOF*  "Uncertainty, be gone.  We don't need you around here anymore."


If we really don't KNOW a damn thing -
if everything is uncertain all of the time -
why not just throw our hands up in the air, throw in the towel, wave the white flag, and declare it a loss?

It's like investing months of training into a 10k - showing up on time - running your ass off - faster than ever before in your life - finishing the race - and then... 
realizing, you never moved an inch off the starting line at all.


What do I have to learn from looking at trees - morning after morning - investing time and energy into - *pause* - the irrefutable uncertainty of their existence?


What. is. up. with. THAT. Tina?


Sometimes I think that absolutely nothing will happen with those trees for an entire year.  They will give me no sign of CERTAINTY.  In fact, I would almost bet on it.  

Some days - like today - they will look like they are gleefully showering in the pouring rain.  Shining themselves up.  Feeding their roots.  Smiling, and singing...."ain't nuthing wrong with ME!"  


Other days I suspect they'll look pale.  Probably this Winter.  Yep. Scraggly.  Thin.  Sad.  As if to say, "what do YOU expect from me?"


Yeah, that's it.


What if we, as humans, shouted that question out to the Universe.

"What do you expect from me?

"What do you expect from me?"



"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM ME?"



Heh.

I don't know about you but, my Holy Universal Enlightened Voice of Certainty, does not respond over the loud speaker!  

In fact, She's more like a wry-smiled mischievious sprite taunting from behind a tree......

"pssssstttt......over here........first ya gotta catch me!  nyah nyah!"

I imagine myself grabbing her by her raggedy little hem, jacking her up a bit and saying, "Hey, you are MINE.  Speak clearly.  Slowly.  And in English.  You better straighten up and fly right!"

We look each other straight in the eyes. 

And, very softly but assuredly She whispers,

"Do your best.  Stand up tall.  Breathe.  Nurture you Self.  Put one foot in front of the other.  And, as for the rest - I got this one, k?"  *winks*

...

...


...


And...

well...

How can I resist a face like that?

 

SOMETHING is STIRRING OUT THERE!

Excuse me, Dear Tina, but why are you up at 5:30 a.m.?  Don't you have a busy day ahead of you?

I toss a little this way.

Adjust pillows.

Turn that way.

I get up.  Get some juice.  Go to the bathroom.

Aaah.  The cat is by the front door and wants to go out.  His normal routine.  Must mean he's feel better.  Whew.  Thank you, God, once again!  Whew.  OK, that's why I woke up.  Max.

But...

I can't go back to sleep.

Something is stirring

Now the dog is what's stirring!  He wants to go out.

I stand outside on the back deck waiting for him and feel it in the air ---

Something is stirring.

I notice it's not quite as cool as it has been the past few mornings.  No, not uncomfortable out here at all.

It's quite pleasant, actually.

I get tired of standing - waiting for the dog - and sit down on my chaise.  My gosh, it feels good out here!  I chuckle.  Usually I'm sitting in this very spot trying to soak up a little Vitamin D while I work or study.  Now, I sit on a chair meant for sunbathing, moon and star-bathing!.  Ha.  Leave it to me!  But - wow - it feels good out here!  

Strange - the thoughts that come to me when I'm one-eye-opened.  Maybe I'm in a state of exhaustion-related delirium?  "OK, this is crazy, Tina."

"Shut up, you voice, you voice of reason, you!  Something is stirring out here and I can't miss it!"

I go make coffee.  Get my two very favorite blankets.  Dog is now asleep under the bed.  I tell him we're going outside.  Apparently he doesn't believe me!   lol   "Snooze or lose, Duke.  Something is stirring."

He follows me to the deck - head down, long ears swaying as he walks.  He looks at me as I settle in on the lounger with coffee and blankets.  You know that look - he turns his head from side to side in bewilderment - it looks like he's shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me!  :D

Friends, I really don't care anymore.  Summer is escaping through my fingertips like grains of sand.  I cling to the Summer Triangle like a toddler being dropped off at daycare, shredding her mother's hem.

But, there is something going on out here.  I've been feeling it, haven't you?  Autumn, of course.  Transformation, of course.  Life, death, rebirth.  Balance of night and day.  All of that, certainly.  But, there's something different...that I can't quite pinpoint.

Something is stirring.

I recline...study the contrast between the blackened arms of the trees and the night sky.  Funny how it looks like the trees are chasing the stars.  The stars taunting, "catch me if you can!"  I close my eyes and I'm reminded of how much the rustling leaves mimic the sounds of the ocean.  "If you close your eyes and listen, you can be anywhere."

My blanket smells like the Sea.  My best childhood friend and I have the same blankets and we hang them on the deck when we visit the ocean together and then vow not to wash that glorious scent from them until we see one another again.  Crazy, I know.  But, don't knock it til you try it.  It works!  And it serves as a very important reminder for me, in certain moments, like now.

I top off my coffee.  Come back outside.  Sit.

And, I notice something I have never noticed before.  There is an aura surrounding the trees.  I see it in one large tree at first. I squeeze my eyes closed and open them again.  Am I seeing things?  I take off my reading glasses.  No, there is definitely an aura surrounding that tree!  Duh, Tina - it is a living breathing being!  I trace the pinkish-purple line of energy surrounding this tree, and guess what?  It connects to the tree next to it!  And the one next to that one!  I trace the whole-of-the-horizon with my eyes.  When a tree moves, its aura grows.  When a tree is still, the aura softens, settling into itself.  How about that?!  How TELLING is that?! 

The stars slow dance across the paling sky.  I look way over in the distance.  The aura is still there.  Huge.  Huge huge huge!  Scattering energy allllllllllll over the place!  

I. am. humbled.

Where are the stars going?  I was going to take a nap under the stars!  It's like they are disappearing one by one.  Quickly!  I wonder if I could keep my eye on just one - until it sinks into the vast sky. Suddenly, I feel sad, and shout inside the resounding walls of myself, "Don't go.  Don't go!"  I am reminded of how far I have to go when it comes to aparigraha, i.e., "non-attachment."  *I just looked down at the keyboard to type that sentence, and when I look back up, my star is gone*.  My star is gone.  My. star. is. gone.  But I'm still here...  WHAT DO WE DO WITH THAT?????

I notice that it's almost like they are blowing away in the breeze.  Closest to me are the swirling leaves.  I can see them now, as the indigo sky rolls into lavendar.  Yes, that's what the sky looks like right now - lavendar caressing cinnamon - fading auras - and vanishing blue-white stars.

To me, it's quite ironic that as the stars ascend and dissolve into the distance, the descending leaves become more visible.  Like a tradeoff.  A reminder that we are never left with nothing to hold on to.

I notice the very top of one of the evergreens (I think they are?)  There are a few leaves poised - perfectly balanced - on it's strong shoulders.  They'll only be there for a moment.  And when the next little gust comes, they'll float away.  The tree will still stand.  I imagine the branches heavy with snow in a few short months - the tip still reaching for the sky - strong - head held high.  I place a bet with myself that several months from now I'll be able to connect a star in the distance with the tip of that tree, much like a children's connect-the-dots book.  A Christmas tree.  Outside.  A really big one.  With no mess, no fuss.  MY kind of Christmas tree.  I try to mark a spot in the sky, like you would make a pencil mark on the wall to show your kid how much they've grown in a short period of time.  I wonder how much that tree will have grown when springtime finally arrives.  I long for it already, and imagine the tree looking very happy.  Really, really green, encircled in a halo of light....it's very own aura....

*sigh*

It's quite curious how, in the past hour, I haven't heard the cars in the distance at all.  Now they seem to get louder and louder with people hustling and bustling around - hurrying off to work.  

I look up.  No more stars.  The pallid periwinkle sky covers me like a blanket.

I go inside.
Warm coffee.
Grab a pillow and my cell phone.
Chuckle at the dog who is back under the bed.

Just that quickly, the birds have starting moving.  The neighbor pulls out of her driveway, headed to her job in DC.  I think to myself that I hope she is going to a job she loves today.  

I snap a feeble photo of the sky with my cell phone - my paltry attempt to capture a moment.  I'm always doing that, aren't I?  "You can't capture moments, Tina.  You just can't capture a moment.  One little breeze and it will just blow away.  Or disappear into the sky."

I hereby resist the urge to go back and make this post "pretty."
Hell, I may not even spellcheck it.
Nothing is perfect.  Nobody is perfect.
And, everything is changing.
Fast.  

Something is stirring.

Something is stirring.

Something is stirring!

I get a little nervous for just a moment.

"What if's" poke at my insides.

But...

 

how could it be anything but GOOD, with a sky like this following my every move?