"Think how you can, not why you can't." - Dr. John H. Cox -

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Excuse me, Dear Tina, but why are you up at 5:30 a.m.?  Don't you have a busy day ahead of you?

I toss a little this way.
Adjust pillows.
Turn that way.

I get up.  Get some juice.  Go to the bathroom.

Aaah.  The cat is by the front door and wants to go out.  His normal routine.  Must mean he's feel better.  Whew.  Thank you, God, once again!  Whew.  OK, that's why I woke up.  Max.


I can't go back to sleep.

Something is stirring

Now the dog is what's stirring!  He wants to go out.

I stand outside on the back deck waiting for him and feel it in the air ---

Something is stirring.

I notice it's not quite as cool as it has been the past few mornings.  No, not uncomfortable out here at all.

It's quite pleasant, actually.

I get tired of standing - waiting for the dog - and sit down on my chaise.  My gosh, it feels good out here!  I chuckle.  Usually I'm sitting in this very spot trying to soak up a little Vitamin D while I work or study.  Now, I sit on a chair meant for sunbathing, moon and star-bathing!.  Ha.  Leave it to me!  But - wow - it feels good out here!  

Strange - the thoughts that come to me when I'm one-eye-opened.  Maybe I'm in a state of exhaustion-related delirium?  "OK, this is crazy, Tina."

"Shut up, you voice, you voice of reason, you!  Something is stirring out here and I can't miss it!"

I go make coffee.  Get my two very favorite blankets.  Dog is now asleep under the bed.  I tell him we're going outside.  Apparently he doesn't believe me!   lol   "Snooze or lose, Duke.  Something is stirring."

He follows me to the deck - head down, long ears swaying as he walks.  He looks at me as I settle in on the lounger with coffee and blankets.  You know that look - he turns his head from side to side in bewilderment - it looks like he's shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me!  :D

Friends, I really don't care anymore.  Summer is escaping through my fingertips like grains of sand.  I cling to the Summer Triangle like a toddler being dropped off at daycare, shredding her mother's hem.

But, there is something going on out here.  I've been feeling it, haven't you?  Autumn, of course.  Transformation, of course.  Life, death, rebirth.  Balance of night and day.  All of that, certainly.  But, there's something different...that I can't quite pinpoint.

Something is stirring.

I recline...study the contrast between the blackened arms of the trees and the night sky.  Funny how it looks like the trees are chasing the stars.  The stars taunting, "catch me if you can!"  I close my eyes and I'm reminded of how much the rustling leaves mimic the sounds of the ocean.  "If you close your eyes and listen, you can be anywhere."

My blanket smells like the Sea.  My best childhood friend and I have the same blankets and we hang them on the deck when we visit the ocean together and then vow not to wash that glorious scent from them until we see one another again.  Crazy, I know.  But, don't knock it til you try it.  It works!  And it serves as a very important reminder for me, in certain moments, like now.

I top off my coffee.  Come back outside.  Sit.

And, I notice something I have never noticed before.  There is an aura surrounding the trees.  I see it in one large tree at first. I squeeze my eyes closed and open them again.  Am I seeing things?  I take off my reading glasses.  No, there is definitely an aura surrounding that tree!  Duh, Tina - it is a living breathing being!  I trace the pinkish-purple line of energy surrounding this tree, and guess what?  It connects to the tree next to it!  And the one next to that one!  I trace the whole-of-the-horizon with my eyes.  When a tree moves, its aura grows.  When a tree is still, the aura softens, settling into itself.  How about that?!  How TELLING is that?! 

The stars slow dance across the paling sky.  I look way over in the distance.  The aura is still there.  Huge.  Huge huge huge!  Scattering energy allllllllllll over the place!  

I. am. humbled.

Where are the stars going?  I was going to take a nap under the stars!  It's like they are disappearing one by one.  Quickly!  I wonder if I could keep my eye on just one - until it sinks into the vast sky. Suddenly, I feel sad, and shout inside the resounding walls of myself, "Don't go.  Don't go!"  I am reminded of how far I have to go when it comes to aparigraha, i.e., "non-attachment."  *I just looked down at the keyboard to type that sentence, and when I look back up, my star is gone*.  My star is gone.  My. star. is. gone.  But I'm still here...  WHAT DO WE DO WITH THAT?????

I notice that it's almost like they are blowing away in the breeze.  Closest to me are the swirling leaves.  I can see them now, as the indigo sky rolls into lavendar.  Yes, that's what the sky looks like right now - lavendar caressing cinnamon - fading auras - and vanishing blue-white stars.
To me, it's quite ironic that as the stars ascend and dissolve into the distance, the descending leaves become more visible.  Like a tradeoff.  A reminder that we are never left with nothing to hold on to.

I notice the very top of one of the evergreens (I think they are?)  There are a few leaves poised - perfectly balanced - on it's strong shoulders.  They'll only be there for a moment.  And when the next little gust comes, they'll float away.  The tree will still stand.  I imagine the branches heavy with snow in a few short months - the tip still reaching for the sky - strong - head held high.  I place a bet with myself that several months from now I'll be able to connect a star in the distance with the tip of that tree, much like a children's connect-the-dots book.  A Christmas tree.  Outside.  A really big one.  With no mess, no fuss.  MY kind of Christmas tree.  I try to mark a spot in the sky, like you would make a pencil mark on the wall to show your kid how much they've grown in a short period of time.  I wonder how much that tree will have grown when springtime finally arrives.  I long for it already, and imagine the tree looking very happy.  Really, really green, encircled in a halo of light....it's very own aura....


It's quite curious how, in the past hour, I haven't heard the cars in the distance at all.  Now they seem to get louder and louder with people hustling and bustling around - hurrying off to work.  

I look up.  No more stars.  The pallid periwinkle sky covers me like a blanket.

I go inside.
Warm coffee.
Grab a pillow and my cell phone.
Chuckle at the dog who is back under the bed.

Just that quickly, the birds have starting moving.  The neighbor pulls out of her driveway, headed to her job in DC.  I think to myself that I hope she is going to a job she loves today.  

I snap a feeble photo of the sky with my cell phone - my paltry attempt to capture a moment.  I'm always doing that, aren't I?  "You can't capture moments, Tina.  You just can't capture a moment.  One little breeze and it will just blow away.  Or disappear into the sky."

I hereby resist the urge to go back and make this post "pretty."
Hell, I may not even spellcheck it.
Nothing is perfect.  Nobody is perfect.
And, everything is changing.

Something is stirring.

Something is stirring.

Something is stirring!
I get a little nervous for just a moment.

"What if's" poke at my insides.


how could it be anything but GOOD, with a sky like this following my every move?

1 comment:

  1. i love this. i really, really love this. i love you. the words you type and i read, instantly carry me from here to there, with you, in the wee hours of the morning...
    i am enchanted. the aura of trees - it was their aura i saw first many, many decades ago. seldom do people believe me when i describe it - but you describe it just as i see it. i love this night fading and morning glowing with you...
    it's almost 1am and i must sleep - though i long to linger here a moment more.
    the photo is beautiful - and i'm grateful you capture moments to share with me. what a beautiful sky - what a beautiful life - what a beautiful friend, sister and kindred spirit you are to me.