SHOE QUEST 2010 - a parable by Gimpy

heyam duhkham-anagatam
~ That which is to be overcome is sorrow yet to come. ~

Yoga Sutra 2:16

 

"...physical, emotional, and mental pain are inevitable in life.  Suffering is another matter.  Suffering is the personalization we bring to our difficulties...Life may be difficult, but we do not need to suffer..."

Judith Lasater 

How often do you choose to suffer?  Yeah, I said, "choose." Don't answer that immediately - to yourself or to me.  Just ponder if you care to......as am I :)

*Caution - what follows gets lengthy and may superficially appear to be nothing but nonsensical, insignificant babble. (GASP!) Read at your own risk. Or simply FF to tomorrow's blog if you just ain't in the mood for it.  lol  Something tells me however, that anyone who needs to read it WILL.  And anyone who needs to "get it" WILL.  And, if nothing else, maybe I WILL  :)

I had my first official "outing" since surgery yesterday!  Woooooooooot! FREEDOM!  It felt sooooooooo good just to venture out, even if I only went as far as Dunkirk and Huntingtown!  *THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, TO MY LOVELY CHAUFFEUR, ELAINE!*

As part of our "date," my friend Elaine was kind enough to take me to see about getting some new shoes.  Not quite sure either of us knew what we were in for!

 

See - about the shoes - the physician's assistant told me on Monday that I can continue to progress in weight-bearing "as tolerated" and start to practice walking.  Woooooooot!  However, in order to do that, I need to have a left shoe that is more even with my walking boot.   OK, I guess that makes sense.  She added that the up-and-down-hobbling is not helping matters with my spine, and that my hip may start to give me trouble if I continue with this "gait."  Umm.....OK, I guess I'll buy that too. Thus began SHOE QUEST 2010...

I dove right into my internet research.......forums of Brostrom "survivors," suggestions from top ankle specialists, etc.  Cuz, you know I'm not one to make an uneducated purchase!  :)  It's becoming quite apparent to me at this point that I'm not only looking for a stable and height-appropriate shoe for my left foot, but I need to keep in mind that in 4 weeks I will need a right shoe that will also be stable and will accommodate my new ASO (lace-up brace that you wear inside a shoe).  

*sigh* I guess it can't be a $5 cute flip flop from Old Navy?!  *double sigh* 

Hmmmm....now, if you know anything about me, you know that I absolutely despise shoes of any kind.  Period.  But if I am going to be forced to wear something on my feet it will be a sandal or flip flop or some type of canvas slip on thing that allows my feet to move and breathe.  And even that is really pushing it!  So, I'm not crazy about this whole regular shoe idea.  But concede that, if it's really necessary in order to help my foot heal properly, and I'm going to spend all this money, it must be a pair of shoes that I absolutely love.  MUST.  And they can't make my feet hot.  And nothing heavy or bulky.  So I get my heart set on a "stable" pair of Merrells - and yes, there is such a thing.  Cute.  Mesh.  Comfy.  With added "stability and motion control," according to the internet description.  (And yes, CR, I have been wearing the Merrells you gave me, but rehab requires a closed back and higher shoe : / ) I print out the specs on the Merrells and Elaine and I head up to the hi-fi specialty shoe store.

BINGO!  They have them!  Woooooooot!  Enter gruff, but very knowledgeable store owner, who "has been fitting orthotics for over 30 years" and very blatantly informs me that the Merrells won't do the job.  Not only that, but they would do more damage than good.  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!  

Mr. Buzz Kill proceeds to measure my foot, examines the insert the Orthotics Dept. gave me and comes out with "just the right shoe for my needs."  Ummmm.  OK.  Ummmm.  He tells me to walk.  Let's just say my catwalk strut ain't what it used to be!  lol  He calculates and rubs his chin and studies my gait.  "Perfect!" sayeth He.  Ummmm.  Yeah.  "PERFECTLY HIDEOUS!" sayeth Me (to myself, of course). 

I - most diplomatically - inquire if there is a comparable New Balance shoe available as a consolation prize.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.  I admit, the New Balances feel pretty good, and are at least less...ahem...conspicuous than the others.  I meander over to the full length mirror.  I gaze at the reflection, and can't help but wonder....."Who is that girl?  Cuz, that certainly ain't ME!  Not with that black monstrosity on one foot, a senior citizen shoe on the other, and *egads*look at that off-kilter Mountain Pose!  No way.  Nope.  And if it is me, how the hell did I end up here and looking like this?  That's what I wanna know!"    Pivotal.

Meanwhile, Mr. BK tells me to stand up straight and look straight ahead.  Um.  I already am, Dude.  And, did I mention that I recently got run over by a truck?  (literally!)

*sigh*  I meander back over to the big leather chair (they don't have those in Sports Authority, now do they?) and allow myself to just collapse into it.  As ridiculous as it may sound, I feel defeated.  I sit and bite my lip while Elaine and Mr. BK engage in small talk.  I chew the inside of my cheek and eye, one last time, the Merrells and wide array of cute (yet, orthotic) sandals displayed on the wall.   And, OK, I'll go ahead and admit right now to being a mopey, bad attitude brat, and silently exclaiming to myself, "now this just friggn BITES."  Hey, at least I'm woman enough to admit it!  :-)


End result?  I left without shoes.  

Yep, you read that right.  Hobbled out.  Unevenly.  Up and down - up and down - up and down.  Not doing justice to my poor feet.  Or my spine.  

Clearly, I need a little time... 

Time to swallow  and come better prepared for the absurd price of real shoes.  Seriously, I was totally clueless.  

Time to learn to how to fully respect and appreciate something most of us take for granted - our feet!  The complexity of the human body, and how our feet affect the rest of our Whole Self.  Surely, I have a new appreciation and respect for the elderly and diabetics after yesterday.   

Time to adjust my attitude.   And come to terms with the union of two totally unrelated terms in the World According to Tina - "summertime" and "socks and shoes" - as silly as that may seem to everyone else.  Oh yeah, Mr. BK lectured me about socks as well. 

Time to process and absorb and really GET the lessons - cuz I know they're there - hidden in the everyday experiences of this healing journey...even when it's as "simple" as buying shoes.

Time to acknowledge and accept the magnitude of my condition.  I have a long road ahead of me.  From what I've gathered, the entire healing process from this surgery is about a year; and that's independent of my spinal cord injury.  Honestly, to date, I think I've been slightly remiss and unfair to myself.

*Rewind to the Yoga Sutras and Judith Lasater.* So, how does this all relate to suffering?  From my perspective, some bigger and much more important choices have been presented to me (and maybe others if you're still with me here) in the form of a Shoe Quest parable.  I can:

a.  continue to stroke my own Ego, resist, and fight this whole thing tooth and nail = suffering.  hobbling.  uneven.  off balance.   even to the point of risking additional damage to my body, which equals what?  more suffering.  But, "STILL IN CONTROL," sayeth Her Majesty, the Mega Ego.

b.  practice acceptance.   relinquish control.  let's face it - control is underrated and merely an illusion anyway.  

That is to say...
Yanno - Mr. Buzz Kill is not my boss.  Nor is Dr. Holt.  Nor are the physical therapists.  In fact, NO ONE is my boss.  I can do as I damn well please.  I can go barefoot if I want to.  I can buy cute shoes if I want to.  Hell, I can take this boot off right now and walk around in the backyard if I want to.  I can allow Ms. Mega Ego to be IN CONTROL!  But.....I would only be causing myself unnecessary suffering in the long run.  Physical suffering.  Mental suffering.  Emotional suffering.  

See?  Get it?  I think I do :)  And, if I just spent an hour of my time processing that, creating a shortcut for myself and others, and attempting to put it into words for OUR future use to save us some time and heartache, well then...

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

 (Duke expresses his sentiments about shoe shenanigans)